The Slightest Bit of Resolve 12/31/2023

By: Jennifer Richardson Holt

My house looks very stark to me. It is strange how once the Christmas décor comes down it is as though I am living in a foreign place.  Everything is so bare and understated.  It’s comfortable enough I suppose. I don’t particularly dislike anything I’m looking at.  But after having had every surface that could hold it adorned with garland and ribbon, the plain white crown molding and the subdued glow of the corner lamp are underwhelming to say the least. I don’t see anything that sparkles which, if you know me, is taxing.  There isn’t anything that, as I sit here, I can describe as particularly magical looking.  Maybe this is the downfall of decorating as early as I do.  I hadn’t really found a downside until now. I was given too long to grow accustomed to my home being significantly festive so that it became the norm. And now that the actual norm has returned it most assuredly does not feel like the norm.  

I guess, when it comes down to it, that is why we celebrate a new year now that I think about it. While often we don’t like change, it does offer us possibilities.  While there is certainly the reality that the first day of January will likely be very close to identical to the last day of December in every way except name, we like to embrace the possibility that change can and will be for the better.  I’ve actually heard it said that the best thing about the new year is the word new. While normally we don’t care for change but when we get a second chance, we are far more up for it.  I suppose everyone loves a chance at, or at least the idea of, making a change for the better, right?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you or I have made a mess of this past year. For all I know you have done a really great job with things.  As for me, well, I can’t say I have ruined my life, but this year certainly wasn’t an example of my best work. And while I usually loathe getting out of my comfort zone, I have to say being able to say that I have a whole new year waiting for me to start afresh is surprisingly encouraging.  I’ve never really been much of one to make resolutions per se, but for some reason this year feels different. Not really different in the sense that I am about to make a big list of all the definite to-dos of the year, but I feel almost as if I have some new, well for lack of a better, less trite word, some new resolve.

I am a bit concerned that I even just said all that. In looking back at my life, any time I have made a real change or achieved something of any (no matter how minute) significance, it didn’t happen or begin to happen on the first day of a new year. In thinking about it, it was never even close to a new year’s type of scenario.  I am sure I have wanted to make some changes and fix some errors of ways, but a resolution was never really the method that actually led to the madness.  Now I have gone and put right here in print that I felt prepared to achieve some great something or other.  I am overwhelmed by the need to backpedal and add all the disclaimers.

No, I don’t care for change. Everyone likes to stay nestled in their cozy corner of the usual. I am one of those people to my core.  Obviously, we all have negative, or at least less than ideal things about ourselves that we wish were different but, that comfort level that we are not thrilled about giving up often means that those changes are left as items on a wish list that will likely never have much if any effort to make them more than just wishes.  If I am being painfully honest, not only do I not like leaving my comfort zone but, well, I am a bit lazy. Yes, that’s right. I am claiming it. If I can get away with as minimal effort as possible to accomplish anything, you had best believe that I will put out as little work as I can manage to pull it off. No, I am not proud of my streak of sloth, but at least I have moved past the state of denial about it. Surely, that is a step in the right direction. There is the very real possibility that my laziness could hinder my resolve. So, I had best make certain that whatever goals I feel so strangely optimistic toward are reasonable and, quite frankly, the more easily accomplishable, the better.

While I am typing this, my daughter is nestled next to me under a fluffy blanket. She said she just wanted to cuddle.  There is a small dog lounging over both of our legs alternating between fervently chewing a chew toy she got for Christmas and dozing.  Occasionally, my little girl will grab my arm and tell me how much she loves me, or she will bend over and hug the dog. While the new year is not here just yet, this is a good start.  I need to not let these moments pass unheeded. There will come a day that this little girl will find the thought of snuggling with her mother abhorrent. True, the appeal may return but likely not for many years.  And we all know that our furry companions are not with us nearly long enough.  Though it is grey and cold outside, and I can think of a million and one things that I need to be doing, I am not going to allow these little treasures slip by.  They won’t last forever.  So at least for the moment, my resolve will be to be intentional, to be present and to pay attention to the small joys.  I can’t imagine how many I have already let slip by so as of today, I will do what I can to hold more tightly.