Problem Solved 9/18/2022

By: Jennifer Richardson Holt

There are times that I wish I lived somewhere else. Well, no. I take that back. I don’t actually wish I lived somewhere else. I think I would prefer to take the traits that I enjoy that are in other locales and simply move them to where I am now. Yes. That is what I would like to do. I know I have written on many occasion extoling the virtues of where I live and I still stand by those sentiments wholeheartedly.  Obviously I do since any flaws I may have found are apparently ones I simply want to remedy where I am rather than relocate.  I don’t want anyone to misunderstand whatever I may write here today. I love my home town, state, region and nation.  None of the above are pure perfection though. I don’t suppose anywhere truly is (though I can think of a few places that might make me question that analysis).  I don’t intend to come at you today with a list of the woes of living where I do. I intend to present solutions to problems.  Everyone likes those right?  I think if you asked most any random person they would agree that when faced with a problem, if it were paired with possible solutions, that it would be an infinitely better scenario.  So here, I present imperfections, but also ways that they could be smoothed away. Now how realistic they may be is another matter entirely. But, I don’t think, if you have read anything I have written that you are reading this looking for practicality.  That isn’t really my genre.

Let us begin with the current state of environment in which I find myself. I have told you ad nauseam about my love for autumn.  Well, let me present you with a shocking bit of information. There are things about autumn where I live that I don’t like. I might even loathe them if we get right down to it.  Mostly because the South doesn’t get autumn in the traditional movie or social media photo shoot sense of the word.  It is September and assuming you are in the Northern Hemisphere it is supposed to smell of leaves, bonfires and either pumpkins or apples (depending on your personal preferences) mixed with some blend of warm spice.  Here, unless we work hard with scented candles and artificial décor, there are no colorful leaves, cool breezes or anything of the sort. We get what seems like 5 to 7 minutes of true autumnal joy maybe in late October but more likely November.  Even then a heat wave (or random uncharacteristically cold winter snap) can be thrown in.  For instance, the forecast for next week has several days with high temperatures in the mid-90s.  That is mid-30s to all you Celsius folks and that is just ungodly.  No. Not in in late September that is just not ok. I should rejoice in lower humidity but still.  I am just weary of, and I daresay many of us Southern folk can commiserate, having to pretend it is autumn. The calendar will tell us it is but here the weather laughs in the face of such delusion as actual equinoxes (or any change of season for that matter).  Here we are just all grownups in a big game of make-believe hoping our dry corn stalk and gourd display paired with us staring longingly at boots and sweaters will be an incantation causing some magic to happen in the stratosphere but unfortunately we are all proving to be very un-enchanted.  To solve this, we only need to borrow a season from somewhere like, let’s say, Vermont.  It’s really rather simple. I wouldn’t want to live there I just need them to lend us a bit of their season. We’re so starved for real fall here we’d probably be pleased with not even that much. Their air and calendars seem to not have conflict so they can probably spare a bit of fall. Really, if they wanted to trade for some unnecessary heat we have plenty.  They all retire down this way anyway so clearly they’re fans of our weather.  It seems like a win-win for everyone.  Well it is for everyone who likes a real, authentic autumn anyway.

My next complaint can be solved by the answer to my previous one.  The problem is love bugs. I know I have ranted so much in general about them I can’t remember if I have written about them here before. So if you have heard this one, I apologize but they keep making me angrier every year. I do not see a love bug at any point during the year other than now when they are smacking into anything or anyone in the midst of their lewd acts. I do not understand. Why, of all the parts of your lifespan, you lascivious insect, must I be forced to be in the disconcerting midst of your reproductive procedures? This cannot be efficient for your species if nothing else.  Should this not be the one part of your, what I can only guess is a short lifespan, that should be kept private? Being accosted by these conjoined bugs literally enrages me. I know that may be a silly thing to become so frustrated by but, my heavens. So, I say we take my idea from the previous scenario and I feel like these racy creatures would be off put by cooler temperatures as most insects are.  As a matter of fact, authentic cool autumn weather would be a death knell for many of our tedious bug populations here and may I just say I would not shed a single tear. They can have the summer if they must, but I see no need for them to get all the extra summer-esque weather that they get here in what should be fall.  We bring in appropriately timed autumn and away they go.  If it means I need to put out birdseed for those who found their population density so important I am willing to make that sacrifice.  Not having mosquitos drinking my blood or being subjected to the mating of randomly floating (and not steering very well might I add) beasts without my consent would be worth stocking a feeder or two.

Now, we just need to work on how to borrow or trade seasonal character with somewhere further north. Imagine it northerly folk: warm lovely weather, delicious sunshine, no surprise snow or bitter cold.  Doesn’t that sound wonderful? You simply send us down a small chunk of cool temperatures and falling leaves that we don’t have to wait until nearly Christmas to enjoy (though I have had rather toasty Christmases before so nothing is guaranteed even then.)  It really seems like a fair and equitable agreement to me. I just need to know who to talk to so I can make this happen because if I have to try to explain why they are called love bugs and/or answer if they are kissing to my 6 year old daughter one more time…well I am not sure what will happen but, I assure you my displeasure, much like the fact that it isn’t really autumn here, will be very evident.  Let’s make this happen.