Stranded in Neverland 8/14/2022

By: Jennifer Richardson Holt

I am noticing a certain collection of thoughts that I am having rather often. I am hoping this isn’t some semblance of midlife crisis because I was pretty sure I already had that when I turned 40 and tried out a new hair color. If anyone is interested, I liked the new color but discovered I like my previous shade better. Honestly, this new thing going on in my head, well I have asked a few people about it and some seem to share a similar sentiment and then some look at me like I just told them I am actually a purple polka-dotted barracuda.  So clearly, my thought process isn’t totally unique to me but it is by no means universal either.  I may as well just share my thoughts with you.  I find myself, often times, finding it rather odd that I am an adult. I know it sounds strange but let me explain. I see these people that I knew as children much younger than me and they are all grown with families of their own. Or, since I work on a college campus, seeing all these students who are just babies to me yet, my college career doesn’t seem like it was all that long ago. Responsibilities and bills and even parenting all seem like things that I am not remotely certain that I am capable of doing very well.  All these very grown up things seem like something I am not old enough to be doing.  I mean even me being middle aged is just very difficult for me to believe. Maybe you’re be struck with relief that you aren’t the only one that feels that way.  Maybe you’re be alarmed that the writer of the blog you are reading is such a strange character as to have these feelings.

It always starts when kids begin to go back to school. I can remember school. Now, yes there were some years that were more memorable than others but I feel like if I were a proper adult, then those memories would be hazy thoughts of times so long ago that they seem foreign to me. But no, they certainly aren’t. Now no, I cannot say that my priorities and concerns from those years are anywhere even close to the same today but it just doesn’t seem like it is so distant.  Am I wrong in feeling like it was all yesterday?  I still have a hard time stomaching the fact that it has been as long as it has since I was in school.  It just doesn’t seem possible.  It comes down to the fact that yes, I have grown up but still, if I am in a room with kids, teenagers or even college-aged people, me being the adult in the room is very disconcerting. How did this happen? I don’t know what I am doing and I always thought adults had themselves very well put together.  I am quite certain that I am not so composed.

I did speak to one friend that gave me a bit of advice and I am hoping this will happen for me.  When I asked him if he ever found it odd that he was the adult I also told him about others who have found the question completely and utterly baffling. He seemed to understand my sentiment but told me that there does come a time that this feeling will leave me.  He said for him and possibly for me, that when you reach the age of 50 then then it changes.  He said it was around that time for him when suddenly being the grown-up was no longer strange.  I do hope the time comes because I feel like I am not doing a very good job at being grown-up if I don’t feel the part.  Then again, do I even know what feeling I am looking for?  Oh dear, I am not even sure that I do. However, I just sense, that I will know it when it happens. I think it will be something I don’t even realize and then just one day, being the adult will no longer make me shake my head like it often does now.

I do feel I should add the disclaimer that no, I am not going about living my life as a teenager or some other foolishness. I do try to be responsible and practical and whatever other good and mature qualities there are to be had.  I feel I haven’t even really expressed these feelings I am having very well.  I do find myself shaking my head at the fads of the youth of today.  I do laugh at the silliness of the things that kids find important. But I do like some modern popular things too. I like some of today’s music and don’t like when those older than me scoff at it.  That seems like something a grown up would not do right?  But then, I did find myself joyfully singing along to a station that played music from my teenage years the other day whilst boating on the lake. That does sound like a very adult thing to do. In fact it sounds like something I would have found less than thrilling had I witnessed it as a teenager.

I am beginning to wonder, as I have been writing this, that perhaps I need to update my definition of adulthood. I think, in my mind, apparently from a very young age, being grown up meant having everything figured out; all ones’ ducks in a row so to speak. Perhaps this is the problem. As I am one now and happen to know many more, I don’t think my definition of an adult is accurate in the least. I think most people grow up just winging it. We learn as we age and we with our continuing life experience we gain wisdom.  There isn’t some switch of maturity that flips and we become very serious, stoic and wise. We just gain years. We try things. We learn what to do and what not to do.  We just travel life’s path. Some take more arduous routes and some take smoother ones but each turn and bump and pit stop, even the unplanned ones mature us. But, maybe aging is truly like it is with wine and cheese. It’s a gradual development and a lengthy process.  Maybe being an adult doesn’t mean I have everything all sorted.  Perhaps as long as I am constantly becoming a wiser version of myself then maybe, just maybe, I am doing this adulthood thing fairly well.  Well that and uttering the phrase “Kids these days!”  I feel that’s a pretty important part too.