Enmity Between Thee and the Woman 5/15/22

By: Jennifer Richardson Holt

Snakes have inspired rather strong opinions since, well, I suppose the very beginning.  I feel moderately safe to venture that the majority of opinions about creatures of a serpentine disposition are less than shining.  I tend to fall somewhat indifferent to those of a nonlethal nature but I can also say I don’t particularly desire to have one in my home in misplaced wildlife or domestic pet form. I have had a few moments of intrigue with the old legless reptile in my day. I have discussed them often as of late as we move to the time of year where Ole’ No Shoulders is out and about. These conversations brought to mind a few anecdotes of the serpent that I thought I’d share. I daresay you the reader have your own, probably very polarizing thoughts on this topic but I do ask you to read on even if you must make a disgusted face.

In reference to those who have a fervently negative opinion of snakes I would be doing the topic a disservice if I did not reference my mother. If the term snake-hater is in the dictionary, I assure you that her picture should be beside the word.  She wholeheartedly embraces the ideology that the only good snake is a dead snake. Yes, that sounds a bit drastic but, if you witnessed her response to one of any shape, form or species, you would thoroughly understand that drastic is the only way to describe her sentiment. First of all, woe to the person that is within arm’s length of her if she spies one. She will reach and grab the nearest available piece of soft flesh you have, in my misfortunate experience it’s an upper arm or possibly a side, and she will proceed to squeeze it with all the force she can muster. I am not entirely certain why her immediate response to seeing something she is horrified of is to inflict immense pain on the nearest non-frightening being but alas, this is the case.  I remember we were at a grist mill on a river enjoying the lovely waterside view and lo and behold, much to my (and my arm’s) chagrin, there was a rather sizeable snake at the water’s edge.  Even more unfortunately for me, mom saw it first and proceeded to remove a pound of flesh from me in her classic panic-stricken squeeze.

Now let me give a few words to her credit here.  Yes, it was a cottonmouth moccasin.  Yes, this is a venomous snake. Yes, they are aggressive. Yes, he did start heading toward us (they are aggressive AND rather gutsy).  So, you might be thinking, well her dramatic response was completely reasonable!  And since we all made a hasty and rather concerned exit, yes, I suppose it was. However, it is critically important that you understand that this is her response to EVERY snake.  If it had been a three inch long garter snake that was doing its best to get away from her there would have been no difference. I would still be in pain and she would still be hysterical.  This is her response to any and all. The presence or lack of venom does not change the fervor.  Heaven help you if you are near her.  I don’t even want to discuss how many times I have born the brunt of her reptilian inspired wrath.

It was a couple of years ago that I had a visitor of this nature at my home. I am minding my own business and look out my back door to see the most well-fed snake that I have ever laid eyes upon.  Apparently, this unfortunate fellow (and I say fellow because who really knows how to check the gender of a snake short of your local herpetologist) had managed to mosey up under the screen door onto the back patio however couldn’t quite master the concept of making is way back underneath it to get out. After the initial shock of seeing such a sizeable being in that near a proximity to my home, I gave him the very distant once over and felt pretty certain that he wasn’t venomous.  Since that concern was out of the way, I thought I would do my best to encourage him to migrate back the way he came in some sort of safe distance shooing scenario.

 Now I admit, his obesity was somewhat disconcerting.  This was a fat snake. He was eating well off of the skinks that live in my back yard.  He also had a rather unique if not unattractive squished up nose.  I wasn’t particularly excited to go and attempt to encourage him away, but I was looking forward to him being gone if I could accomplish it.  I didn’t hate him. I just didn’t care for him lounging his ample form upon my back patio.  Also, I didn’t really want to see what carnage would result in my cat going out in his outside space to find our unexpected guest.  That would have been messy and violent and just not good for any involved.

Alas, he didn’t respond well to my urgings to leave.  He put into action the plan of self defense (though he didn’t need to defend himself because I wasn’t trying to hurt him, but you can’t tell snakes anything clearly) that is common to hog nosed snakes. His response included spreading his neck as if he were a cobra and making a sound that I can only describe as a guttural half growl half hiss. And so goes the tale of how I left him to his own devices. I mean, you should have heard it. If he was going for scary, he nailed it.  I moseyed away.  Then I took a picture and sent it to my mom. This was partially to traumatize her in the nicest way possible. But she promptly sends over my dad who proceeds to end the snake at my mother’s insistence.  I almost feel guilty about it. Almost. I can’t feel too much sentiment for it, but I suppose I’m close.

So, there we have it. Adventures with the serpent are legitimately a tale as old as time.  Some of you loathe them. Some of you perhaps have an affection toward them that I for the life of me cannot understand. If that is you, that is perfectly fine. I personally do not find they have a high enough cuddle factor for me to have that much fondness for them.  But in my rural area, especially in the warmer bits of the year they are often just a part of life.  As long as there are no fangs coming after me, I’m alright with that.  I do know those that would disagree.  But then again, looking at the serpent with a sideways glance, is nothing new.  I suppose from very early on, they earned it.