A Day of Reckoning 2/28/2021

By: Jennifer Richardson Holt

Tomorrow, assuming you’re reading this on the day it is published, is pretty significant.  I suppose it could be called momentous but that sounds a bit pretentious so I think I shall avoid that choice of adjective. It’s one of those events that you assume will come but then again you don’t really visualize it actually happening until it creeps up on you like some kind of silent stalker and pounces. You don’t really have time to mentally prepare for an ambush like that. It just hits you and you cope.  I am still up in the air about how exactly I want to contend with this occasion.  I have never dealt with this before so I don’t really have any experience from which I can draw.  There is the real chance that I could either over or under react.  I feel like either would be doing a disservice to the moment so I am hoping I can find the nice even middle ground. One only reaches midlife once though so I am not sure exactly what the appropriate response is.  I am about to start the fourth decade of my existence. I remember looking to this as a moment so far in the future that it was almost like it wasn’t even something that would really happen and now here I am, ambushed. What to do?

I think we all remember that as children there was that line in our minds that was the threshold into making a person old. I can’t be certain, mostly because I have the memory of a turnip, but I think forty was the line for me as a child.  Once a person reached that age they were officially old.  Of course that line pushed further into the distance with a higher number the closer I got to it, as such lines tend to do.  Surely I am not the only person that, as I age, pushes the line of what makes someone or even something “old” into the more distant and vague future?  I don’t suppose that I felt I would never reach this age, it’s just more a matter that it seemed so far away and just downright hard to fathom when you’re in your teens or twenties.  Then there is the matter of hitting the thirties and those ages that seemed impossibly far away are coming into focus and doing so quickly.  It’s downright disconcerting. I admit it.

And because of the momentous nature of this birthday at hand I guess I somewhat understand those people who have what we tend to call a “midlife crisis”.  Firstly though, the optimist in me would like to think that I have another ten years or so before I reach midlife but I suppose that my longevity is another matter entirely. But then again, maybe that is a part of why this age is such a big deal?  I mean who really is keen to consider their mortality? Maybe that’s why some people buy convertibles or take on lovers at this age. Maybe it’s some attempt to recapture their youth by doing things that they consider youthful. It seems that if you get right down to it though, that the bulk of the activities that constitute a fervent effort at such a crisis is doing stupid things. Hm. Perhaps it really IS like being young again?  The unfortunate thing is though, when you do stupid things at such an age it doesn’t look like “young and dumb” it just looks like the embodiment of an eye roll and a face palm. If someone my age (that is not a pleasant phrase to say or write I have just now learned) bought a convertible and dressed like a teenager, well, it just looks like I should have a personalized license plate that says “sad and ridiculous”, you know assuming that would fit on a personalized plate.  I am legitimately attempting to consider all the mid-life crises that I’ve witnessed and I admit I haven’t seen very many. I cannot think of a single one however that made me say to myself, “Wow, that individual is younger and more hip that I had originally suspected due to their age because of these actions they are taking!”  Maybe you have seen such things prove successful, but I am out of that loop.

I am not sure how to go about having a mid-life crisis.  I am certain if I did give it a go that it would definitely just make me look like a raving lunatic. Then again I did just change my hair color recently but I had just had the same hair color for decades and I had grown weary of it. I hope I am not having an involuntary crisis. Is that a thing? Knowing the absolute mess of things I would certainly make if I put in concerted effort I can only imagine what a horror I would produce if I had one unconsciously! If I had pearls on currently I would clutch them.  Hopefully I will avoid any form of crises be it craftily planned and poorly executed or just unplanned and poorly executed.

So, if I wish to avoid a crisis at this point in my life, what should I glean from this significant birthday?  At this point, the only thing I am certain of is that I still get just excited at the opportunity for cake as I always have. I don’t foresee that changing.  I would really like however, to actually get something a bit more from this day than that.  And my goodness, you’ve read me blathering about not much of anything for long enough that surely you the reader should not finish this blog and feel robbed of a few minutes of your life! I guess what I need to remember is that becoming a contented person, whether it be with your age or anything in life is a process not an instant decision. A mid-life crisis won’t change the age any more than standing in a garage makes one a car.

I think it is healthy to look back on where I’ve been and even reminiscing is not inherently wrong as long as I remember to look around me and be happy with where I am and how far I’ve come.  I also don’t think I should look to the future with anything but a hopeful glance.  I suppose forty is as good an age as any to take a reflective look back and a promising look forward. I don’t however want to lose sight of the value of today and all the wonder that is around me right here and right now.  I have made mistakes but now have valuable lessons. I have had struggles but have grown in strength.  I can stand on this birthday with, Lord willing, the anticipation of more wisdom and improvement in the future.  And though such things will come at a cost as they always do, I can revel in the joy of the here and now because the present is the only moment that I can really and truly make whatever I want it to be.  And also, there is cake.