Learn the Lesson 11/19/2023

By: Jennifer Richardson Holt

I saw her several times. I was just perusing the local Walmart. I was trying to find where they hid the towels that normal people buy. You know, not the towels that are apparently made from the professionally styled hair of alpacas that are fed chocolate covered strawberries. I just wanted a nice soft bath towel. It needed to look nice and do the job. I was wandering around trying to find where they hid those types of towels and I saw this one lady in glimpses several times. First, I saw her coming into the store. She was adorable. She was a petite blonde, dressed in a flowy dress with gorgeous brown suede thigh high boots. I noted the cuteness of the outfit initially.  Then later when I saw her rounding a corner in health and beauty, I noted the soft kindness of her face. She had an expression that looked busy and possibly distracted but you could tell she purposely still held her features in a friendly arrangement.  To me her countenance said clearly, she had things she was trying to accomplish but she was not unapproachable.  So, I had made a mental scribble of how much I liked her outfit and I had noticed that there was just something about her face.  When I went to put my purchases in my vehicle and saw she was getting in hers directly across from me, I took it as a sign.  I was going to do it. I went over to her, apologized that I was probably being weird but told her how gorgeous she looked.  Her face, for lack of a less trite term, bloomed.  The distraction melted and a mixture of surprise and gratitude spread warmly through her features.  She went on and on thanking me and telling me how nice I was to say as much. It was a brief exchange, but I felt like it was meaningful. I don’t know how long she thought about it, but I know I was grinning like the Cheshire cat once I’d said my piece. I could feel how silly I must have looked as I put my bags in the car.  I was bursting with the joy of making someone smile and yet somehow gave myself a grin even larger than the one I gave out.

But then I did the thing that I always do. And I loathe that I do it. It wasn’t even a conscious decision to do it, but my brain made its own choice and away it went. I began to play the always toxic game of comparison. I began to think about how I could never look that nice in an outfit like that. I began to wonder why I couldn’t look like that in such a stylish ensemble. I looked at what I had on, of which only a few hours before when I put it on, I had been really pleased with its appearance.  I wasn’t portraying a fashion model or anything even remotely close, but I thought it was, well, at least, a nice look. Now I could feel my brow furrowing and my nose crinkling as I looked down at these very same clothes. Somehow, I had let them morph into some haggard pile of fabrics awkwardly clinging to my body. Not one single thing had changed from when I got dressed beyond the fact that I needed to reapply my lip gloss. The clothes were the same and they fit me just the same.  But I couldn’t see the simple, still perfectly fine reality that was right in front of me. Now I had put myself in a place that I was never meant to be and that is in competition with others. I knew I shouldn’t do it, but I slid into it so easily.  It almost seemed, disturbingly enough, natural. 

My goofy smile faded. It had been far shorter-lived than anticipated. Then I began to think. Why did I do that? I had just seen someone and been kind to them and then I looked at myself and did the exact opposite. Why would I do that?  I just had the pleasure of experiencing the magical feeling when you get to brighten someone’s day. Then I promptly go on the attack ruining my own joy.  Why do I struggle so much with affording the same kindness that I give to others to myself? I am so annoyed with myself if I’m being honest. I have done this for years and have scolded myself for doing so. Actually, now that I think about it, I have scolded others for doing this exact thing. I seem to have no problem counseling others to give themselves the grace that they give to others.  Yet here I found myself reveling in a giant bed of hypocrisy.

Now, please understand me. I am not advocating for throwing myself a big personal party where I am the honored guest.  I do not care for conceit or narcissism so know that I am absolutely not saying I should become the focus of my own loving gaze. I just wish I was better at the simple casual kindness that I afford to others being afforded to myself. And it’s not even a big thing really so I don’t understand why it is so complicated.  Can you read the frustration in my fingers as I type this? I am not talking about sel-love and thinking about how wonderful I am. I am talking about the most basic of pleasantries here. I see others and think mostly positive things. That is not a difficult thing to do.   In thinking about it, if I were a bit kinder to myself, I am sure it would improve my overall demeanor which in turn, would likely make me want to be that much kinder to others.  It seems to me that I need to practice more of what I preach. It is easier said than done for me, but I truly think it is pivotal that I get this engrained in my brain.  If I want to have enough joy to spare, I am going to have to be joyful and picking at myself like a buzzard on a carcass is not going to be the way to foster that mindset. Now. Lesson to myself has been taught. Let’s see how good of a student I can be. Here goes.