Not Letting Go 12/26/2021

By: Jennifer Richardson Holt

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to nail down my feelings about this day. If you are reading this on the day it posts, you’ll know that the very near and dear to my heart Christmas is over and here we sit on the day after. I am not in a nation that has held so tightly to its influence of the British Empire that we celebrate Boxing Day so, for me, the festivities of the season are done. Yes, there is the new year to come I suppose but it isn’t really a celebration upon the grand level of things that Christmas is so the fact that it remains doesn’t really count in my eyes. I often genuinely struggle with a sense of loss on this day each year. The holiday that I anticipate so heavily all year is now at its furthest point from me. This fact has never really sat well with me. I think now is as good a time as any to tackle the reasons why.

Obviously, with me adoring Christmas like I do, when it ends it is very much like watching a long absent relative leave for what you know will be a long time. I suppose in one instance, that is accurate since often people gather with loved ones more so at this time of year than at any other time so there is a good chance that some dear soul you see this season may not be within hugging distance again for a very long time. There are relatives that I know I likely won’t see again any time soon. So, in a way there is a bit of authentic loss.  And while I know they do say that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” we cannot really deny that it also makes the arms emptier, and the time seem to slip away faster than usual.

 And as trite as it may sound, that warm hearted goodwill that even strangers seem to possess at this time of year, well, I think we have to be honest and admit that there does sadly seem to be a bit of an off switch for it once the season is done. I think really that is it for me. While I wrote last week about not working so hard to make Christmas magical, I do feel saddened that one of the simplest ways to make that magic, one that I would not discourage anyone from participating in, is that our hearts are, for lack of a better term, softened at this time of year. And that just makes the whole world a more pleasant place to be, but when Christmas comes to a close, it feels like we’re all more than happy to reshoulder our burdens of irritations that we may have been able to cast aside if only for a while.  That nearly universal change of heart is one of the most glorious forms of magic that this season brings and as the season passes, I dread that it too will melt away like snow on a warm day. I am not mentally prepared to let the merry and bright become the frustrated and shadowed.

But then, upon further delving into my feelings, I think the fact that the end of Christmas is so bothersome to me, just might be a good thing. Let me explain. Once the day is over, then obviously all the presents have been opened. All the material aspects have been attained. That I am still so wholeheartedly dissatisfied perhaps should be an encouragement. Clearly getting presents isn’t what the day is about for me. If that were the case, then about mid-morning once all the boxes had been opened I should be at my happiest. Actually, if I’m being completely honest, then about midafternoon once the big meal had been finished, then I should be completely and utterly content. I assure you that while I am (and brace yourself for this analogy) fuller than a tick on a bloodhound’s jugular and in a state of food euphoria, I can still feel that dread creeping upon me. I can sense the ending of the holiday coming. I almost always want to stay up as late as I possibly can on Christmas night trying to milk the 25^th on the calendar for all it is worth.

Though I go to bed with new lovely things, my daughter will be exhausted from playing with new toys and making a ridiculous mess and we will all be internally battling a impending food coma I remain disheartened but perhaps this is good.  I have not built my affection for this holiday upon what I will gain. Of this much I am certain. What I don’t want to let go of isn’t so much a mindset as it is a heartset. We watch films like “It’s a Wonderful Life” and learn the value of each person no matter how insignificant they may feel. Even the simple “A Charlie Brown Christmas” will not let us forget the true meaning of the season beyond garish commercialism. We want to help. We want to give. We want to be love personified more at this time of year than any other and I just hate to feel it go.

So, while I know this is going to sound terribly cliched, but it is a legitimate question: why can’t we keep Christmas? No, we don’t have to give continual gifts or keep up decorations (though, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t hate that) but we need to keep it in our hearts. I want to do it this year. I want to keep that readiness to give. I want to be filled with anticipation to see others happy. I want to do all I can to bring joy. We all know it’s better to give than receive so if we keep our hearts in that Christmas state, we’ll all be that much happier in the long run. I am going to hang on to that willingness to quickly forgive. I want to cling tightly to happily overlooking faults and finding all that’s worthwhile. It probably won’t be easy. I daresay it will take a fair amount of effort. But hopefully, if I keep Christmas in the deepest part of my heart, today, and all the days to come will be brighter, merrier and all the more joyous. And who among us, could be opposed to extra helpings of joy?